oh, be still my heart !

i am quite mad...

no, not quite...

i am mad.

this madness...

i am fuelling my obsession with CLAMP manga... i thought it was controllable. i was wrong. the state i'm in now... it is as if i was back to my teenage years, burying myself in anime like sailormoon, cardcaptor sakura, etc. and fantasizing abt magic powers, saving the earth, and the array of bishounen (beautiful boys) in the anime/manga. the beautiful illustrations are intoxicating. my heart skips a beat or two, a sigh escapes from my moist lips... it was mind-blowing. and i was rendered breathless. i was intoxicated.. and giddy...with glee. the story, the characters, the emotions...everything!!! And there is always one (or more) bishounen character who epitomises all that we yearn for, pine for,... delicate features, such kindness and gentleness in his heart... (oh subaru, dear subaru...) reading/watching anime/manga is not enuff... i need to listen...to anime songs...that soothe the savage beast within...

oh that i should be so caught up in the turmoils within...

oh, be still my heart...


now,

i need to get my hands on the manga, "Clover", by Clamp. An achingly beautiful story... almost heart-wrenching (spoilers alert!) It is quite an old manga... there are only 4 volumes to it? i guess so... here's a picture of Suu-chan, the main character in Clover. A lonely, sad little girl with special powers... embarking on a journey to a place called "Fairy Park"...

twist the knife, and bleed my aching heart...

oh, be still my heart...

shonen-ai... ah... such gentle sweetness...love between 2 boys/men. It makes me blush, yet i secretly yearn for them to be together, to be in bliss...to be in each other's arms..."hold me, please.." to read about their pure love for each other, the sexual innuendos, the subtleness, the glaze into each other's eyes, their faces only 2mm away from each other, the fierce protection/loyalty shown towards each other, the obvious display of jealousy etc... (e.g. Yukito & Touya in "Cardcaptor Sakura"... "X"... "Tokyo Babylon"...etc.) Yet, you never really know whether they are really "officially" together, or meant to be together, but you want to believe, in your heart, that they are... that their love is recognized and accepted by each other.

oh such pangs...such pure tenderness...such heartache... i feel for them!!!

so why do girls like me have this thing for bishonen/ shonen-ai?? i always wonder... is there a deeper insight into this? shonen-ai is strictly relationships; nothing physical of the sexual kind is involved. it's the implicit that i like about. someone commented that bishonen is a concept created and embraced almost exclusively by females. perhaps it's just fantasy... so beautiful, so pure,.... something you just can't really find in reality. but fantasy is always nice, i believe.

suddenly, i'm into downloading frenzy again...

not mp3s anymore!! but winamp skins, anime winamp skins to be precise. i'm adding more stuff into my anime winamp skins collection. almost wanted to make a winamp skin myself... i have to carry out some research on the technical know-how on how to make a skin... (hey, sounds like an episode of "nip/tuck"! It's actually quite a good show... if u look deeper, there's actually some depth...underneath all that blood-spilling action in the surgery room, the hammering during the reconstruction of the nose, the exploration of sex-related issues in the show, etc.)

* * * *

below are some songs/poems from the manga "Clover" (translated into english). Suu-chan sings them...

(Book 01) * * * *

The Poems...

If you find a four-leaf clover,
It will bring happiness;

But don't tell anyone
Where its white flower blooms.
Or how many leaf-lets from its stem extend.

The four-leaved clover.

I only want your happiness, knowing
I can never be yours to share it.

The Songs...

:: Clover ::

I want happiness
I seek happiness
To cause your happiness
To be your happiness

So take me
Someplace far away
To a true Elsewhere
Please take me there

Magic that lasts
Never-ending kiss
Revery without break
Unperishable bliss

Take me
I want happiness

Birds sing
Song of unknown tongue
Though winged, they
Still fail to reach the sky

A place not to be treaded alone
So take me
To a true Elsewhere

Wet feathers,
Locked fingers,
Melting flesh,
Fusing minds

Take me
I want happiness

Not your past
But your present is what I seek,
Carefully winding back its fragile thread

Please take me there
I want happiness

(Book 02) * * * *

The Poems...

If you find a four-leaf clover,
It will bring happiness;

But don't tell Anyone
Where its white flower blooms.
Or how many leaf-lets from its stem extend.

The four-leaved clover.

I only want your happiness, knowing
I can never be yours to share it.

The Songs...

:: CLover ::

I want happiness
I seek happiness
To cause your happiness
To be your happiness

Take me
To a true Elsewhere.
Deliver me

A bird in a gilded cage,
A bird bereft of flight,
A bird that cannot cry,
A bird all by itself.

So take me
I want happiness

Happy just to be with you,
Happy just to see your smile.


So take me
To a true Elsewhere
Please, take me to happiness

My first thought
And my last wish,
A promised land where fairies wait
With room just enough for two.

So deliver me, help me
To forget the tribulations of the day
And to stay in this dream of night
Where I can be thinking of you forever

Take me
To my bliss

(Book 03) * * * *

The Poems...

If you find a four-leaf clover,
It will bring happiness;

But don't tell anyone
Where you found
The four-leaf clover,
Or how many leaflets were on

The four-leaf clover.

How I wish to make you happy,
Though I won't be able to see you.

The Songs...

:: Love ::

Love
It's my dream,

A beautiful dream
That no-one's ever seen,
A beautiful deceit
That no-one's ever noticed,
A beautiful love
That no-one will ever break.

Love
Though you'll laugh,
In the entire world,
The most important word.

Now, come close to me.
I'll sing an endless song.
God, please tell me,
Redder than red,
The truest love.

Now, kiss holds me.
Show me love that's forever.
God, please tell me,
Bluer than blue,
The real heart.

Love
Everyone says,
But no-one knows its true meaning.
Cannot be grasped alone.
So, I want to see it with you.

Love
A wonderful person
That makes everyone turn,
A wonderful time
That everyone wants,
A wonderful romance
That everyone dreams of.

Love
Can never match true love.

Love
Though you'll laugh,
Will never return, once lost.

Love
Though you'll laugh,
Will never return, once lost.

Love
Though you'll laugh,
To us, the most important word.

Love
Hear the whisper of the heart, hear its true voice.
Listen carefully,
Where lies true
Who to give true love.

Love
Though you'll laugh,
In the entire world,
The most important word.

(Book 04) * * * *

The Poems...

If you find a four-leaf clover,
You'll have found happiness.

But it will
Never be found,

Since happiness rests inside
That secret cage.
No one can own
The four-leaf clover.

But then what of
The three-leaf clover?

The Songs...

::To Be Born Again ::

To be born again for your sake;
Blowing the past away on fluttering clouds;
Letting the future ride on flowing winds;
Fearlessly, unceasingly, patiently.

To be born again in your arms;

To be born again for my sake;
Once again to wait to be born
In the golden egg;
Once again to be able
To fly with silver wings;
Unhurriedly, tenaciously, intimately.

To be born again in your arms;

To be born again for your sake;
To turn the bliss of our meeting
Into a gentle light;
And the parting that's sure to come
Into smothering rain;
Like the little, indigo flower that blooms
In delicate shade.

To be born again in your arms;
You’re taking my hand and
My not shaking it off;
Our two paths merging to become
One as blending minds;
To be born again for my sake.

To be born again in your arms;
Not averting your eyes, not letting go;
Embracing all the fortitude of will and
The frailty of prayers;

To be born again in your arms.

To be born again for my sake;
When my not minding the loneliness
Was only the ignorance of my bliss with you.
When my pain of loneliness was but my learning
To fear losing you.

So then, I will be born again in your arms.

To be born again for my sake;
As old shells crumble off and newborn
Tears fall on a cheek;
With your embrace open my ethereal wings;
To be born again for you alone;

To be born again in your arms.
Letting me forget with
Your voice and your touch;
Breaking off the chains
That bind my heart and feet;

To be born again in your arms.

To be born again for your sake;
As ember that just caught
Should not be put out or misplaced;
My thoughts just born
Should be not being dissipated
Or broken apart;
In this cradle you guard over;
To start again from scratch.

To be born again for my sake;
To be born again in your arms.

* * * *